Disclaimer: I'm not Bellesario or CBS, so I don't claim to own them.
Word Count: 1,000
Setting: Post- Judgment Day
Note: Title of M*A*S*H episode 02x23 inspired this fic...
Series: Letters to Home
Crossposted: ncisfanfic; ncis_fic; ncis_slash; gibbs_dinozzo
Summary: It took some time to write, but he finally found the words he wanted to say.
Abby’s been keeping tabs on you for me. Just don’t withhold her Cafpow because of it, or you’ll never get a moment’s peace. She had good intentions.
I know we never talk, so I’m not really sure why I’m going to try talking to you now. Probably helps that there’s several thousands miles between us and I’m not doing this face to face. I don’t know I’d ever be able to do this face to face.
I should probably be comparing this to a movie right now, but I can’t really think of one. Did you know McGee sent me several DVDs loaded with movie files for my laptop? Guess I’ll have to thank the Probie one day. He even managed to pick some good ones. And-
And I just gave myself a head slap for you. I guess writing this out is just as hard as trying to talk to you in person. This is my fourth attempt by the way. I started the moment I got to my bunk that first night. It just keeps coming out wrong and sometimes too much that I don't want anyone else to potentially see. Those bits are now shredded to little pieces and placed in separate trashcans around the ship. Maybe I'll tell you one day. Who knows.
I'm still avoiding the subject. I guess I'm good at that. Deflection is my one talent. Of course I never managed to deflect you much. You've always known what I was up to. I think you even knew I was in over my head with Jeanne. You don't know how many times I wanted to tell you. But you weren't "right" when you came back from Mexico and by the time you were back to normal, it was too late.
Of course, just as I was getting my head straight, she had to accuse me of killing her father. I know who was really behind it boss. I may not be a McGeek, but I know. And I bet there's some evidence out there somewhere. But I guess it's a moot point now. (Ha! Bet you didn't know I could use words like moot.)
I know how you feel about apologies, boss, but I owe you one. I'm sorry for what happened to Jenny. I was the lead agent on her protection detail. Orders be damned, I shouldn't have left her alone. I- I didn't want to get tangled in another of her messes. I guess it was that self-preservation kicking in that always had me running from one city to the next.
If Vance hadn't have sent me out to this damn ship, I probably would have left. Was that too blunt?
There's been too much boss… Kate, you leaving, Jeanne… Jenny was the last straw. I don't even know how to act around any of you anymore. You especially.
Before Mexico, before Kate really, it was easy. You were the boss and I followed while you led. Then it started to even out. I didn't need to follow as much and when you left, well, I found out I could lead. It was hard at first. The others- well, I wasn't you and they didn't really know me, still don't. I couldn't be the Tony they knew and still lead the team. But I also couldn't be who I wanted to be. They wouldn't listen to me.
Did you know Jenny offered me my own team? In Spain. I thought about running then. You were back and I was pushed away without a thank you. But I couldn't leave. Not then.
I was worried for you back then, boss. Truth is, I'm still worried for you. I'm not one to talk about my past (at least what really happened), but at least you know the highlights about my family. Nobody, not even Ducky, knew about your first wife and daughter. God, Gibbs… how could you keep something like that and not fall apart?
You told me back when I first started for you that your door was always open. It took a while, but I used it. And not just for a place to sleep. I talked to you boss. I told you things that I've never told another person. I never trusted anyone else to know what I let you know.
You can trust me boss. I know what Jenny meant to you and I know it hurt you when I answered that phone. I can't even begin to imagine what your wife and daughter meant to you. I never had a family like that, so I can't comprehend what it would be like to lose one.
Maybe this letter writing is making me bolder, but I think you need to talk about them. Remember them. I do that with Abby sometimes about Kate. We'll get together one night with a few drinks and some movies and end up talking about Kate all night. Hurts like hell, but we feel better afterwards. We did that about you when you were in Mexico too.
I still haven't said half of what I want to say to you Gibbs, but if I start that then I'll have to shred another letter. We need to talk. Once I come home, we're going to get some extra bourbon and go to that damn basement of yours and talk about some things. We're going to need to start with that first time I stayed over and work our way forward.
You remember how I said I wasn't ready. I
Jethro… take care of yourself. I think there's more behind the split up than Vance marking his territory. Give Abby a hug for me.