Disclaimer: I'm not USA / Jeff Eastin / etc., so I don't claim to own them.
Pairing: Peter/El/Neal; Satchmo/Poodle; June/Mozzie
Genre: Threesome; Crack!Fic
Word Count: 1,000
Beta: all mistakes are mine
Written For: whitecollarhc Crackfic Monopoly Fest prompt by rabidchild
Prompt: Neal is cursed and anyone he touches has to have sex immediately, but they have no urge to have sex with him. The poor darling can't get ANY!
The forger was a self-proclaimed witch. Neal didn't have any particular leanings toward any belief system as he had conned is way in and out of several over the years, but magic was something he firmly did not believe in. Magic was just a con, a good con, but a con nonetheless. It's why he made the mistake of laughing at Elsie when she said his betrayal from romancing her right into the FBI's hands would bring a curse upon him.
He didn't really notice anything wrong at first. It was a slow week at the office, so he didn't really pay any mind to the way people disappeared from fifteen minutes to an hour when he touched them throughout the course of the day. Even Peter had headed for the elevator saying something about a lunch date he'd forgotten with Elizabeth.
It was Friday when a cold case turned hot and Neal was stuck in the van with Diana that things became weird. Neal had talked her into a hand of poker and their fingers brushed over the cards.
At first, everything was normal. Then Neal noticed that Diana was practically squirming in her seat. She was shifting back and forth and Neal was sure there was a flush to her cheeks.
When she slipped from the van saying she needed the bathroom, Neal watched her go in disbelief. Of all people, Diana was the last one that would leave him unattended in the FBI van. When she returned twenty minutes later, she told him some lie about the Mexican she had for lunch, but Neal noticed that her clothes had been shifted more than just a bathroom trip required.
The next startling anomaly came that night when he was talking with June and Mozzie. June had leaned in to give him a goodnight kiss on the cheek and then her eyes widened. A moment later, Mozzie clasped his shoulder and the same thing happened to him.
As Neal headed up the steps to his room, he could hear June and Mozzie talking in hushed tones. He thought he was imagining things when he heard the word condom slip from June lips.
What clinched the fact that something was horribly wrong was his standing Sunday brunch with the Burkes. His relationship with the married couple was something of a fluke, but being able to enjoy a meal and some time in the sheets with them was a bonus when he considered the status of life.
When he first arrived at the house, he had bent down to give Satchmo a welcoming pet. The dog usually loved playing with Neal, but he immediately left and pawed at the door. Peter gave in and took him for a walk while Neal went to the kitchen to help El.
He greeted her with a kiss and her face flushed immediately. Neal took that as a sign for more and wrapped his arms around her from behind while she continued to tend the pot on the stove. When he started pressing kisses to her neck after brushing her hair aside, she sidestepped out of his grasp. The move left Neal confused.
Before he could ask what was wrong, Peter came stomping back into the house scolding Satch. Apparently the dog had decided mounting the neighbor's prize poodle was the friendly thing to do. Luckily, he had been neutered so there were no joint custody puppies in their future.
What shocked Neal more was when El handed him the spoon and told him to watch the pot. Then she dragged Peter up the stairs saying they needed to talk. Neal knew that look on her face, and talking was the last thing she wanted.
We was left standing in the doorway with a sauce dripping spoon and a dog that was noisily licking himself when he heard the bed start to creak above him. Something was definitely wrong and he needed to find out what.
Peter came back downstairs about ten minutes later with a satisfied but confused smile. He asked Neal why he just gave his wife three orgasms when no assistance from him.
Neal began to lay out all the strange occurrences that had piled up over the past week and Peter confirmed that he had met El for a lunchtime quickie twice that week after touching Neal. They decided that the only to test the theory their minds were throwing at them was for Neal to touch Peter.
Neal pulled the man in for a kiss and as he went to deepen it, Peter pulled away much like El had in the kitchen. Then Peter gave Neal a strange look before bolting up the stairs to where El was still naked in bed.
Theory confirmed, Neal sank on to the couch and dropped his hands into hands. He didn't want to believe that Elsie had actually cursed him, but the proof was upstairs enjoying themselves without him being included. It hurt.
It was another twenty minutes before both Peter and El came back down the stairs wrapped in robes and trying not to look guilty. El sat next to him and went to pull him towards her for a hug, but Neal jumped from the couch and moved across the room. There was no way he was letting either of them touch him again until the curse was lifted.
Getting a curse lifted had taken serious research. Mozzie had fronted the research with the help of June and Neal was trying not to look at how close the two had become. In the end, June had found an old book of Byron's that outlined a standard remedy to the curses cast by scorned witches.
He tried to forget the memories of the bunny that they had sacrifice and the blood that he had to paint on his body with the Latin anti-curse. But in the end it worked and Neal celebrated with the Burkes, both apologizing to him with their bodies.