Kayla Shay (kaylashay) wrote,
Kayla Shay

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Crack!Fic: To Me, You Will Lie; BtVS/StarWars

Title: Agents of the C.O.A.
Author: Kayla Shay
Disclaimer: Don't own Buffy or Star Wars.
Rating: FR13

Note: Some dialogue was used and/or altered from the episode BtVS episode "Lie To Me". Also, a TTH author has a cameo, jrabbit.


Chapter 9: To Me, You Will Lie

Agent 99 sent a sharp look in the direction of hi-her rookie partner. “Will you please stop staring at them!”

“But, but…” the rookie stammered. “They’re just so, what’s the word I’m looking for, voluptuous!”

“Look,” Agent 99 said through a strained smile, “let’s just forget that I now have D sized breasts and fluffy blond hair thanks to my, notice the air quotes, ‘promotion’.” Agent 99 reached up to adjust her bra. Wearing those things was just not comfortable. “I was expecting a pay increase and better job choices not a sex change! Plus, this guy who goes by Agent 86 keeps calling me on a shoe phone. Have you ever heard of an agent using a shoe phone in this day and age? Puh-Lease!” Then Agent 99 stopped her tirade when she realized she sounded like a typical valley girl. “Come on,” she said to her partner, “let’s get this job done quick, because these dang mosquitoes are eating me alive.”

“Can’t argue on that point boss lady,” the rookie snickered as he swatted yet another giant sized bug from his arm. The swamp they were currently trekking through contained mosquitoes of unusual size in insane quantities.

Agent 99 pulled out her company issued GPS locator and pointed off to the right, “The tree hut should be about a quarter of a mile in that direction. We’re almost there.”

The rookie glanced in the direction she pointed, “You know, part of me has a very bad feeling about this. I don’t really know why though…”

“You’re letting the atmosphere get to you. That will happen if you spend too much time in one reality. If you think this is bad, you should see the guys who work the South Park beat.” Agent 99 came to a halt, “Hey, I think we’re here. Let’s get this over with.”

“Sure thing boss lady!”


“Oof,” the rookie grunted. “Why do I have to lug the big guy here while you get the little green dude?”

“Because,” Agent 99 responded with a flip of her hair over her shoulder, “I am the dainty female and you are the big, strapping man. Capiche?”

“Yeah, yeah,” the rookie grumbled. “I think I liked you better as a man.”

“Yeah, well take that up with that pesky jrabbit who signed the promotion order. Why anyone in the IT department gets to have that much power is beyond me. Look, I think everything is set up here, so let’s take the Watcher man to catch Oceanic Flight 815.”

With a flash, the agents were gone and time restarted for Buffy Summers and her new watcher.


Buffy walked toward Gi-Yoda after she laid the roses on Ford’s grave. “I don't know what I'm supposed to say.”

“Nothing need you say,” Yoda responded in his raspy voice while looking up at his young pada- Slayer.

“It'd be simpler if I could just hate him. I think he wanted me to. I think it made it easier for him to be the villain of the piece. Really he was just scared.”

Yoda hobbled along, leaning on his cane, “Yes, scared he was.”

Buffy continued on, not even paying attention to her watcher. “Nothing's ever simple anymore. I'm constantly trying to work it out. Who to love or hate. Who to trust. It's just like, the more I know, the more confused I get.”

Yoda decided it was time to insert his own brand of advice, “Growing up you are. But still training have you left.”

“I'd like to try to stop then, okay?” Buffy questioned.

“Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try,” Yoda intoned as he thumped Buffy’s leg with his walking stick.

“Does it ever get easy?”

An immediate response was cut off by Ford rising from his grave. He was now the demonic vampire that he had longed to become. With a snarl, he rushed forward to attack Buffy. For her part, Buffy just plunged the stake right into his chest and watched as his body crumbled to dust in front of her.

Yoda watched, nodding in approval. Then he asked, “Life you mean?”

Buffy stopped walking and squatted down so she was eye level with her little green watcher. “Yeah. Does it get easy?” she asked again.

“Want what me to say to you?”

With a grim smile on her face, Buffy responded, “Lie to me.”

Yoda paused and with a blink of his eyes said, “The future, clouded it is not. Stalwart and true the light side of the force is. Full of anger, fear, aggression and hatred the dark side is. Defeat the dark we always will. Die not our friends will. Happily ever after we all will live.”

Buffy stared back at him and her face took on a truer smile as she replied, “Liar.”
Tags: .crackfic, .crossover, .fanfic, .genre: gen, collection: agents of the coa, fandom: btvs/ats, fandom: star wars

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