Warnings: Pre-Slash; Language
Disclaimer: I'm not Whedon or Bellesario, so I don't claim to own them.
Fandoms: Buffy the Vampire Slayer; NCIS
Timeline: Post-Chosen for BtVS; Start of Season 2 for NCIS
Written For: slash_me_twice; Prompt #17 - House; Prompt Table Here
Written For: crossovers100; Prompt #36 - Smell; Prompt Table Here
Beta Reader: azraelz_angel (many thanks!!)
Note: Written for courtberger who said I rock!
Crossposted: spn_btvs_ncis; ncis_slash; ncisfanfic; slash_me_twice; i_need_a_parrot; xander_slash
Series: The Navy Watcher Series
Summary: Tony and Xander both learn the hazards of being roommates with each other.
Two weeks. All he had asked for was two weeks. Now it was four weeks later and Tony wanted to shoot something or maybe someone. “Damn it Xander!” he shouted as he pounded against the bathroom door. “You’ve been in there since I left for my run and something in the laundry closet is stinking up the whole apartment. It’s my apartment and I want to use the bathroom damn it!”
“I’ll be out in a minute,” Xander shouted through the door. “I can’t help it that I was out in the middle of the night trying to kill some unpronounceable demon that nobody warned me had a stench factor off the charts. And I’ve been paying to stay here, so I consider this bathroom half mine.”
Tony found a can of air freshener and started spraying near the washing machine. “It wouldn’t be half anything if you would just find yourself a place like you said you were going to a month ago. And why didn’t you leave these things outside? The whole apartment smells now.”
“I’ll take them out as soon as I get out of here,” Xander called out. “I wasn’t about to parade naked in the hallway on the way in so I could keep the stench out of the apartment. I only did the naked parade once and forget I even said that because no power on this earth will make me tell the rest of that story. No power!”
“Great,” Tony muttered. “I’ve got a former stripper for a roommate.” Pitching the empty can toward a trashcan, he raised his voice again, “You still haven’t told me why you can’t find your own place.”
“Giles still hasn’t got the money from the old council under wraps and until then it’s hit and miss who gets the money, but Buffy seems to get the most. All the places that I can afford are in neighborhoods so bad even the vamps avoid them, so I’m stuck with you for the time being. Unless you want to kick me out,” Xander finished as he opened the door to the bathroom. Tony was presented with a pout from a face that had been scrubbed red.
“Fine,” Tony caved in. “But we’re making rules about the bathroom use and about clothes with a demon fresh odor. Capiche?”
“Whatever,” Xander said absentmindedly as he worked to bag the clothes without touching them. “I’ll be back in a few and you can lay down the house rules, oh captain, my captain.”
“Now I remember why I hated roommates in college,” Tony grumbled as he stalked into the bathroom.
Five minutes later, he bolted into the living room when he heard Xander shouting at the top of lungs.
“Why the HELL is there a note from your girlfriend Janice and the words fag and whore keyed down both sides of my car!”
“What?” Tony said in a confused voice as he skimmed the note Xander thrust toward him. “She’s not my girlfriend. I broke up with her two days ago.”
Tony winced as he began to realize just why Janice thought he broke up with her. He wanted to laugh about it, but knew that Xander would probably succeed in decking him if he did.
“When I broke up with her,” Tony started to explain, “she wanted to know why. I just told her it wasn’t working out and evidently she took it to mean that it wasn’t working out because I was sleeping with you.”
“What!?” Xander sputtered out. “Me, you--" he gestured wildly between them. “We aren’t, I’m not, how in the hell…”
“How am I supposed to know how the hell she got the idea in her head? Look, it’ll blow over in a few days and she’ll forget all about me-- us-- me-- whatever.”
“But it’s my car she fucked up. What if she moves to fucking me next?” Xander paused as he thought about what he just said. “Or bodily harm of some kind. I don’t like bodily harm.”
“Look, she’s not a felon or anything. Usually, if I just disappear for a few days they cool down and move on,” Tony explained as he ran his fingers through his hair.
“Usually? You mean this happens a lot? And they said I picked the wrong kind of girls to date.”
“Not a lot, just…” Tony trailed off as he tried to find words to explain what always went wrong when he broke up with his current fling. “I’m not the marrying type and they get a little pissed off when they find that out.”
“Yeah, but pissed off shouldn’t translate to your roommate having his car keyed with the words fag and whore all over the side. Did she really think we’re a, you know, a couple?”
Tony laughed a little, “Funny, huh? Could you picture us--”
“And you are getting the bill for the detail work on my car and for psychological damages,” Xander said as he cut Tony off.
“You can’t expect me to pay for pre-existing conditions,” Tony argued. “Go grab your gear and we’ll crash with Gibbs for a few days while Janice cools down.”
“Wait, wait, wait… Gibbs?! Why not just a motel room? And why do you have to run and hide? You’re a gun toting federal agent. Can’t you just do the restraining order bit and call it quits?”
“One, Janice would just love seeing the two of us go to a motel. Two, I can hide out better at Gibbs’ because there’s no paper trail. Three, I don’t do restraining orders on principle, because the problem usually goes away after a few days. Plus, it’s civilian and, in case you forgot, I work for the Naval Criminal Investigative Service. I'm not about to drag myself down to the local PD and report a woman stalker.”
“But why Gibbs? Actually, you know what, I’ll just get a motel room and you can go be buddy-buddy with your boss,” Xander said with his arms crossed.
“No way. You go where I go so I can make sure Janice leaves you alone.”
“I don’t need protection from a disgruntled ex-girlfriend. I left a former vengeance demon at the alter and lived to tell about it. I can take care of myself.”
“The keyed car outside says different. It’ll just be for a few days.”
“Fine. Rocks, paper, scissors, then. Best two out of three. I win, it’s Motel 6, you win, it’s the boss’.”
“Fine,” Tony said through clenched teeth. “On the count of three.”
“Scissors cut paper,” Xander said triumphantly a moment later.
“That’s only one, two more left,” Tony replied. Another moment later, “Ha! Paper beats rock!”
“I still don’t get how that works,” Xander muttered as he prepared for the final match.
They shook their fists three times and Tony threw his fist in the air when they stopped. “Rock crushes scissors! We’re going to Gibbs’. We can drop your car off with the shop I do business with on the way there.”
“Great,” Xander mumbled as he moved to grab a few days worth of clothes and weapons. “Gibbs won’t mind me bringing stake making supplies will he? I’m running short.”
“As long as you don’t mistakenly grab some of the wood for his boat, you should be safe,” Tony replied from his room.
“He has a boat?”
“Yeah. It’s in his basement.”
Tony opened the door to Gibbs’ house without hesitation and led Xander inside. “Just toss your stuff over there for now and we’ll go find Gibbs. He’s probably in the basement.”
“You sure we should just be walking in like this? Gibbs should really watch that whole ‘open door’ thing. He might get the wrong kind of visitor one day.”
Tony just smiled as he made his way toward the basement. “I think the Boss wants someone to try to come in. It would give him excuse to shoot first and ask questions later.”
“Which is what I’m going to do to you DiNozzo if you don’t tell me right now what you’re doing in my house,” Gibbs spoke up from the basement door.
“Good to see you too, Boss,” Tony said as he flopped down on the couch. “Needed a place to stay for a few days until a little problem goes away.”
“This problem have a name?”
“Janice and don’t worry, it won’t keep me here forever and it won’t affect anything on the job either.”
"Better not,” Gibbs said shortly as he noticed Xander still standing near the doorway. “When'd yah pick up the stray, DiNozzo?"
"Don't know Boss. He just followed me home and I couldn't get rid of him."
“How long ago was that?” Gibbs asked. It seemed that Gibbs was unaware that the man that had been kidnapped with Tony was now living with the agent.
“’Bout a month.”
"Is he house broken?"
“Well, we had a small issue with dirty clothes and bathroom hogging today, but I’m working on that. Might try some kind of training program. Got any recommendations?”
"Hey!" Xander shouted indignantly. "I'm not a dog. I'll have you know-"
He was cut off when Gibbs barked out, "Shut up and sit down!"
Xander responded to the command immediately and flushed when he realized what he had done. "Still doesn't make me a dog," he huffed out as he glared at a laughing Tony.
"Coulda fooled me," Gibbs said lightly before turning on Tony. “And you make sure he behaves.”
“Gotcha, Boss,” Tony said quickly. “You won’t even know we’re here.”
“Got a place I can at least store my gear for making stakes?” Xander asked hesitantly.
“What kind of wood do you use?” Gibbs asked as picked up the bag in question and walked toward the basement, motioning for Xander to follow.
“Typically, I prefer to use hawthorn, but I haven’t found a good supplier in the area yet. I’m making do with oak right now.”
“Hawthorn?” Gibbs questioned. “I might know a guy. You know anything about wood working?”
“I dabbled some when I was working construction back in Sunnydale.”
Tony stared in disbelief as Gibbs placed a hand on Xander’s shoulder as they walked down the stairs. “I’m never bringing him here again,” he said in a huff. “Five minutes and he gets the ‘hand/shoulder’ routine from Gibbs. Over two years, and I’ve never even gotten a handshake. Harris is on his own next time.”
“You waiting for an invite to come down here, DiNozzo?” Tony heard Gibbs’ voice filter up from the basement.
He sprung from the couch with a smile on his face thinking that maybe Gibbs cared after all. “Coming Boss!”
Do you like Xander and Tony together and are eligible to vote in the TTH Crossing Over Awards? If so, go vote for Taste the Rainbow for Best Pairing (Same Sex) in the COA.