Kayla Shay (kaylashay) wrote,
Kayla Shay

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Crack!Fic: Spontaneous Combustion; BtVS Crossovers

Title: Agents of the C.O.A. started by satyrnfive
Author: Kayla Shay
Disclaimer: Don't own Buffy, Baywatch or the robot at the end.
Rating: FR15 for some innuendo and wordplay...

Note: Some dialogue was used and/or altered from the BtVS episode "Prophecy Girl". Also, a TTH author has a cameo yet again, jrabbit. Oh, this is not beta read because it is crack!fic, mistakes are bound to abound. *grin*

Chapter 12: Spontaneous Combustion

“You do know what that looks like, don’t you?!” The rookie knew he sounded like a whiny little child, but he couldn’t help it given what Agent 99 was asking him to do.

“I’m well aware what it looks like rookie,” Agent 99 responded through clenched teeth. After sifting through Agent M’s recent reports, the future prospects for rookies seemed a little shaky. She really wanted her rookie to do good, plus she hoped to keep him as a partner. As much as she was annoyed by him, she also didn’t relish the thought of breaking in a new one. “Look, it’s not my fault the art department was in a Judy Chicago mood when the Virtual Atmospheric Generation Interactive Neural Adapter rolled down the assembly line.”

The rookie snickered at the mention of the training and testing device’s name. “Did they have to be so blatant with the name though?”

Agent 99 sighed. At this rate, they would be in the training room forever. “Everybody know that jrabbit from IT gets the money to pay for his beach house in the Caymans by heading up the Naming Department. Now, commence with sticking you head into the Virtual Atmospheric Generation Interactive Neural Adapter!”

The rookie carefully placed his head into the opening and was greeted with pitch black. “I can’t see anything,” his muffled voice carried through the walls of the device.

“That’s okay,” Agent 99 reassured her partner. “All you need to do is move forward until you meet some resistance. At least according to the instructions anyway.”

“What do you mean ‘according to the instructions’!?” the rookie cried out. “Haven’t you done this before?”

“Actually, I haven’t. They didn’t have these gizmos back in my rookie days. You should consider yourself lucky.”

“Yeah, yeah,” the rookie grumbled. “Uphill in the snow both way and all that rub- Yeow!”

“What’s wrong?” Agent 99 asked in genuine concern.

“Nothing. I just found that resistance is all.”

“Good. Now all you need to do is stick out your tongue and lick the Concentrated Lipoid Infusion Total Oral Reality Immersion Stimulator.”

“Do what!?” The rookie’s obvious discomfort carried outside the device.

“Just do it already! The instructions say to insert your head into the Virtual Atmospheric Generation Interactive Neural Adapter, then lick the Concentrated Lipoid Infusion Total Oral Reality Immersion Stimulator and that will cause you to enter phase two, the Operating Reality Genre-Agnostic Simulation Matrix. So start licking!”

“Why I ever…” the rookie was muttering as he stuck out his tongue. However, any further complaint was cut off as his tongue made contact with the Concentrated Lipoid Infusion Total Oral Reality Immersion Stimulator. A low moan escaped his lips as the Virtual Atmospheric Generation Interactive Neural Adapter clamped tightly around his head and a very feminine voice filled his head. “Congratulation,” it purred, “you have now entered the Operating Reality Genre-Agnostic Simulation Matrix.”

Agent 99 smiled as the Sensory Transmission Display lit up and she entered the parameters for the rookie’s first solo simulation.


The rookie looked around and grinned. He could run this scenario with his eyes closed. So many other agents had done it already and the rookie had read all of the reports.

Buffy Summers was laying face first in a puddle of water. The vampire, Angel was rushing toward her and Xander Harris was just a little bit behind him. Glancing down at his time table watch, he began his plan of attack.

First he needed a suitable replacement to fill a true comedy crossover insertion. So, he zipped over to another California universe at picked up a hairy chested lifeguard in red swim trunks. Once back, he positioned the life guard where the vampire had been, applied the mind alterations and then reset time while activating his invisibility cloak around himself and the frozen Angel.


Mitch looked around and spotted Buffy lying in the pool of water. Running in what seemed like slow motion he finally reached her and turned her over to cradle her in his arms. Xander arrived at that point and stared at his friends lifeless body.

“No,” Xander said. “She’s not dead.”

“She’s not breathing,” responded Mitch.

“But if she drowned, there’s a shot. CPR!” Xander practically shouted.

“Of course,” cried Mitch. “Why didn’t I think of that? Here, help me.”

Xander took off his jacket to lay over Buffy. Then working as a team, Xander and Mitch breathed life back into the slayer.


Pleased with his handiwork in Sunnydale, the rookie took his left over vampire to Santa Monica Bay to complete his task. Of course a vampire wouldn’t survive five seconds in the sun-filled beach environment, but the rookie had a plan for that. He was reaching into a side pouch to pull out a Gem of Amara ring when he caught site of every heterosexual man’s dream.

She was a blonde in a skintight red swimsuit. Every curve was just right. The rookie worked his eyes up her body until they came to rest on her well-endowed chest. If he had been in a cartoon world, he eyes would have bugged out of their sockets.

Angel and the ring were all but forgotten as he strode over to the blonde bombshell. He openly admired her for what seemed like forever before he came to a conclusion. One of the main focuses of the agent core was large breasted women. It wouldn’t hurt anything to add just a tad more even though she was already busty. So, the rookie pulled out his Pneumatically Enhancing Natural Inflation Syringe and stuck it into C. J. Parker.

Shortly there after, time restarted at Santa Monica Bay and only the invisible rookie saw dark clad man look up in shock at the sun moments before he burst in dust.


From her position outside at the Sensory Transmission Display, Agent 99 hung her head. The rookie had fallen for the large breasted blonde trap. Hopefully his second scenario would turn out better. Agent 99 reached for the controls and put in the new program.


Some time later, a clamoring robot voice echoed from the Display, “Danger Will Rosenberg! Danger! Danger!”

Agent 99 smiled approvingly.
Tags: .crackfic, .crossover, .fanfic, .genre: gen, collection: agents of the coa, fandom: baywatch, fandom: btvs/ats

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